adventures of growlygrrrl

oh you guys..

i should so just write a fucking novel.

lets see..

1.) my grrlfriend had to tell me we can’t be grrlfriends anymore because her spouse isn’t comfortable with it anymore. so i’ve been demoted to friends with occasional benefits. *sigh* the only good thing about it is that she knows some cute lesbians to introduce me to, and is happy to do so. she’s a cool grrl, wish she was mine! but thats not happening, so i’m moving on kids…im moving on…

2.) this morning i get a friend request from my deceased dads ex-evil wives daughters. i accept. one of them sends me a really sweet mail and is as nice as i remember her being. the other..sends me an email about how she was told that she was not to contact me or my family because we hated her..and goes off about it. ugh. yeah. i don’t need the drama its been 12 years and it hurts everyday that my dad is dead. he was my best friend in the world, i was his in-home caretaker while he struggled with cancer, and i held his hand while he died in the hospital. he died because his wife (the evil ex) refused to wash up before going his room (you had to decontaminate, he had no immune system) and she gave him a bacterial infection passed on by stray cats (which she had taken in 6 - despite being begged not to). my dad died after 12 hours of having organ failure, embolisms, and finally having his life support removed. this is stirring up a lot of stuff for me. i don’t hold her kids accountable in any way, in fact - my dad adored them and loved them and wanted them to be his own. i wish them nothing but happiness…its just the idea of their mom…i get the chills. she food poisoned me several times and told me so…i was in the hospital twice because of it being so bad…the woman was evil, and i do not joke about such things. 

3.) my partner - father of my children, but not in any way my romantic or sex partner… i live with him we are best friends, we have a unique relationship where we don’t need sex but can be very very close and support each other. well. he has a lot of really bad health problems, that cause him to have a physical disability. he can barely walk, uses a cane to get around and lives in constant pain. he has muscle death, bone death, muscle loss, bone deterioration, degenerative hip disease, arthritis multiple types in multiple locations. right now he has a terrible case of gout. poor guy. he tries, he really does. well..his doctor doesn’t call him, but emails him in themiddle of the night the other night to say “i’m discontinuing your care”. and thats it. she’s got this guy on so much pain meds he can’t drive a car..and she’s just cutting him off and not going to be his doctor anymore. i think this should be illegal. its making someone a drug addict (out of necessity but still…) and then ripping that support out from under them and making them go thru withdrawals like they really are some sort of addict, when in fact this is something he NEEDS to be able to exist everyday. the pain he lives in is really hard for most people to imagine i think. we don’t make a lot of money between the two of us, and his doctor was one of the few we could “afford” which means we actually skpped part of rent so he could see her when he needed. she won’t refer him to anyone else and isn’t replying to anything calls, or email. i wish i could do something for him, this seems so wrong. so thats weighing on me…i want to help and really feel quite useless.

4.) both of my lovely kids are sick, and have been all week. some sort of chest cold, but the poor things have been downright miserable. not getting out of bed, fevers, coughing, chills, sneezing, runny noses, congestion…i want to take it all away from them so they can be their normal bubbly selves. 

5.) i’m so incredibly lonely, tho surrounded by these people, and the fabulous people i talk to online everyday. i just want someone to curl up with at night. i want someone soft to hold and just lay with. sure, i want booty too… but right now, i just want to hold someone, to feel them there and have them want me to be there holding them. its probably pathetic, but i think about it a lot. how much i miss just having someone laying there keeping the bed warm next to me. ugh.